I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
then he tried to convert me to islam
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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