Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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