So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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