walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
