Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
