By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
