420 ftw
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
