she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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