Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
