Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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