he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
