His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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