Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Help. Why am I so naked?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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