YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
