We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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