Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
