I am midnight drunk by noon
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
