remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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