I feel like abortions should bother me more
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
