Swine flu. Run for my life!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
