every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
