My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
