Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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