Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
