So drunk its hurt
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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