im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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