Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
