I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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