I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
