I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
