I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
