sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
