I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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