just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
