I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
