Do you still have your period?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
