How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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