The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
