i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
