If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
