i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
