My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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