Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
