I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize