I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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