i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Terrible idea I love it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
