Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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