i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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