New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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