when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize