You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
