Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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