i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
