I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
