The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
