Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize