I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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