please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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