can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
