I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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