I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
