You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
