oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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