Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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