the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
