I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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