I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
