god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
