I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
