I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
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