If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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