He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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