the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
