Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
