:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
