that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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