i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
